What It Means To Me

When my friend Emily mentioned that I should start a blog I was hesitant. I didn't know if I should or what I would say. I am more of a private kind of girl. I keep things to myself and normally just talk to Walker, my mom, my dad, brother, sister, or grandma about things. I am not a very opened. I love writing in my journal about my experiences because I think it is important to remember all the good and not so good things that happen in my life. So when Emily was helping me back in October she asked me to think of a title that I would want to use for the blog. I wanted it to be one where it meant something to me and wanted it not to sound dumb. A few months had passed and I still couldn't think of one. I got on Facebook and saw that she had sent me a message and told me to check it out and see what I thought about it.. It was perfect! I loved the title... IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL. I instantly got chills and thought to myself... this is perfect in so many ways! It made my head start thinking up a storm!

I thought how lucky am I to have a special angel watching over me. Ever since I was pregnant I realized I had a big role to take on! I had to wrap this little angel up in my arms and protect him and to show him everything he needs to know in life to succeed. I was up most certainly up for the challenge. When Manti passed away, the roles reversed. I was now in the arms on an angel. I knew he would be teaching me how to be successful throughout this trial and in my life journeys . When I was in labor I thought to myself I can't do this! I can't begin to start pushing I am too weak! When I was thinking those thoughts I remember the feeling that came over me. It was the strongest feeling that I have ever felt. It was a feeling of encouragement and faith. It was the warmest most special touch I have ever felt. I heard faint soft voice say to me "You can do this mom! You got this... I am right here with you." After that moment I was ready and stronger then ever! I had everyone important to me in that room with me helping my overcome a difficult challenge. I pushed for a short 18 minutes and Manti was here. I felt like I could keep going. In that moment I felt like I was invincible and nothing could stop me. There I was in tears holding a perfect little lifeless body. I could feel Mantis strong spirit there with me, Holding me and protecting me. In that moment I knew that as Walker and I were looking at Manti's body he was there looking at us with his spirit. 

 There has been many times that I have felt the arms of my angel begin to wrap his around me and comfort me in times of hurt and in need. This is not the plan that I wanted or ever thought would happen to me but, its the plan that I get. I have accepted it and I will continue to accept it and learn from it. I will keep moving forward and strive to live the best me so I can be able be with Manti again. I am waiting for the day that I can be able to be the one that wraps my arms around my angel but, for now I am perfectly content knowing that I am now in the arms of an angel.

Relax

Yesterday was the first time in... well I'm not sure how long but, a long time that I was completely RELAXED! I was in my own little relaxed world! It was great. I literally have been stressed ever since I was pregnant with Manti. Trying to get ready for a new baby is a stressful thing. Then having a child pass away is beyond stressful! Your whole world crashes (like it should) and you have no idea what to do or where to begin. Ever since the day I gave birth to Manti I have been trying to relax. I went home from the hospital the night I had him so I could some what try to relax and feel comfortable in my own bed. I tossed and turned all night long for so many reasons.

 I was in a lot of pain(physical, mentally, and emotionally)

I missed my baby

I was waiting for my baby to cry in the night to get up and feed him

I was worried about Walker

I was prepared to be up all night

The very next morning I was up doing the unthinkable and planning a funeral for my little baby! WHAT! It didn't seem real. I couldn't wrap my head around it! (What parent can really?) It seemed so unreal. I never really was able to just rest and really think about what just happened. It was go time. Time that I didn't want to happen but it had to be done.

Sometimes we don't know why things like this happen but you just have to GO WITH IT. You have to put your full trust in the Lord and know that there is a time of everything and there is a plan of everything. You have to have faith. Faith to know that you will be reunited. Strength and endurance to push through all the heartache and pain and live through it. You will realize that you have so much more in you then you know! Its amazing what the Lord can and will do for you if you put your trust in him and believe in his work.

Walker and I have been on the go ever since. Walker has been doing an awesome amazing job providing for our little family with work and school. He has never stopped believing that there is always an answer to everything if you pray! ( We pray a lot in this family!) I have been busy helping my cool, hip, awesome grandma! She keeps me busy but I wouldn't want to be doing anything else! I love getting paid in blessings! We have never had time to just go somewhere and RELAX! So yesterday we didn't waste anytime and went straight to the beach. Just the two of us. Holding hands, laughing, smiling, and just being us. Laying on the beach getting a little sun kissed and listening to the ocean.. We were in a little piece of relaxed heaven. WE LOVED IT! 

We loved our day yesterday.. Woke up to a warm day! We went and saw Walkers grandpa, dad, and uncle and the office. Went to the Kona temple to check out the new waterfall. Hung out with with his momma! Went to lunch and his grandma and mom. Then BEACH! Then watched the sunset from the lanai. Ended with dinner and bonding time with Walker's brother Alema. It was nothing but a relaxed nice day. Nothing to worry about and all smiles. We love being HOME!

We Are Home In Hawaii!

After many hours we have FINALLY made it to Hawaii!  It is very late in Idaho but early here! This whole time change has got my mind going crazy already! Just when I get use to the time here it will be time to go back to the mainland.. It is all worth it though. We are so happy to be here with family and warm weather! I love spending time with Walkers family! They are just so great! The love that they have for one another is awesome! They took me in just as one of their own. It is.. well just great! 

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE FAMILY I MARRIED INTO!!!!!!

The plane ride was very long. It felt like it took longer then usual... or maybe its because we have been up for so long... either way IT WAS LONG!!! I thought a lot on the plane about Manti. I thought about what if he was here with us... would he have been the loud crying baby on the plane OR! would he have been the good little one who just slept and wanted to snuggle the whole way. I wondered if he would have wanted Walker more or me! I thought about all the extra stuff we would have had to bring with us. I thought about all the things we could have done with him here... my mind wonders about him often. Many times as I wonder about him I can feel his sweet spirit right there with me and it brings me comfort to know that he isn't too far away from us!

When we got off the plane everyone was waiting for us with leis and pictures! We are stoked to spend the next 12 days here! YAY! :)

And We're Off!

We are so excited to be going to Hawaii to spend time with Walkers family! This morning was very slow for us.. I didn't seem to want to pack and Walker didn't want to get out of bed.. I think part of the reason why is because we miss our baby!! We wanted to be able to pack for him and enjoy a family trip with him. We were stoked for all the family in Hawaii to finally meet him and now we are going without him! We are totally bummed! We were excited to be able to pack for our little one and for him to become a beach lover just like us! We wanted our baby to love the Island just like we do!

We finally got out of bed and packed and on our way.. We stopped for a short visit with Manti and to say family prayer at his grave... we couldn't help but to look at each other and shed a few tears! We always feel the spirit when we say family prayer at Manti's grave site. Today I felt a sweet warmth as Walker was saying the prayer. I knew Manti was right there with us! 

So here we sit in the airport waiting to board the plane... watching other little kids run around laughing and playing with their parents.. I will always have that empty feeling when I see things like that. My heart starts beating fast and a lump in my throat appears and I begin to feel sick. I always wish it was me with my kid! But I know that I will be able to be with my sweet boy again someday! So while I wait I will sit and people watch and dream of the day where Walker and I can be able to have the chance to chase Manti around in the airport!

Finding A New Happy

So many days I feel lost and confused. I have a million questions in my head. Like, why me? What did  I do wrong? Is this real life? When will I see my baby? Will I ever be happy again? The questions are on going all day long. I often pray for guidance and comfort throughout my day. I always try my hardest to have a good day but, that doesn't happen very often. I always feel sad even when I am happy. I want to be me again. I am finding a new me, the me that I thought was never in me. I have found a stronger me. I am learning a new kind of happy. I am learning that it is ok to be sad and happy all at the same time. I am learning that it is ok to cry... even in the middle of the store! But the most important thing I have learned is to never give up! There are so many days that I just want to give up and stay in my bed all day long for the rest of my life. There are still many days I lay in bed for the majority of the day and I lay and wonder if the day will ever end so I can try again tomorrow. I am so grateful for my caring loving husband Walker who has done all he can to get me out of bed and out of the house to refresh my mind and realize that I am ok and everything is going to be ok. I am so sad but, I will be ok. I am finding a new happy ever so slowly but surely.

Let Me Tell Ya About My Best Friend

Ok... so I have the best job ever! I love what I do everyday, so many blessings have came my way because of what I do. I am so lucky that I get to hang out with my best friend everyday! How lucky am I? Really though, She is awesome, caring, loving, supportive, and always there for me! She is honestly the best. I don't think any one has anything bad to say about her... EVER! She is just so great! I love her! She is my GRANDMA!!! She is absolutely the best. Her and I we get along just great, like two peas in a pod, we have a lot of fun together. She has always been there for me. Ever since I was a little baby. She would hold me and rock me and tell me everything she thought I needed to know about life. Her phone number was one of the first I memorized. She was always a call away and a 3 minute drive away. I often would call her after my baths at night and ask her if she would come over and scrub lotion on me, and sure enough 3 minutes later there she was at my house helping my mom get me ready for bed. I have always loved the special touch my grandma has had. It is so soft and loving. I loved to go to her house and sit in the rocking chair with her and listen to her read me poems. We would talk for hours in that rocking chair and while we talked she would let me comb her hair! We have so many fun memories. One of her favorite primary songs that she would often sing was 

 

I have always loved that song! It has a very special place in my heart. My grandma has always centered her life around our Heavenly Fathers creations and she taught all of her grandchildren what it truly means to be thankful for the creations that we have been given!

My grandma has always been a big part of my life. She was one of the first people that we told when we found out that I was pregnant! Her excitement made me even more excited! She couldn't wait to be grandma-great to another special gift from our Heavenly Father! She gave me many tips on how to be a good mother. Every doctors appointment I had she would be waiting for a phone call from me to tell her how it went. She was my little cheerleader through the whole thing! AND SHE STILL IS! When we found out about Manti passing away all I wanted was a hug from my grandma and for her to tell me everything is going to be ok. She was up to the hospital right when she found out. She came in and gave me a hug and told me what I needed to hear... "everything is going to be ok." are the words she told me. I have had many days this past year where I didn't think I could make it for one more second and my grandma has been right there to make it feel some what bearable to be able to make it through the day. She just always knows what to say. I can never repay her for what she has done for me.

Ever since she has been on dialysis she has shown me how strong a person can be by putting her faith in the Lord and knowing that she was going to be ok. She is simply strong! I take her to most of her doctors appointments, to the store, and where ever else she wants to go! I always feel the spirit when I am with her. She has taught me how to be a strong woman and to be able to know my strength. I love spending everyday with her! I love that I now live closer to her... only like 28 seconds away! I love being her caregiver! I love sitting with her listening to her stories of when she was growing up. I love teaching her all the tips and tricks she can do on her iPhone and iPad. I love getting texts from her!( I know, I have a cool hip grandma!) I love that we have patience for each other! I believe everything happens for a reason and she is one of the big reasons why I have been so strong throughout my trail. If anyone knows how much I miss Manti she is one person that really knows and she is always there with a hug to give and a smile to share! She is my shoulder to cry on, my friend to laugh with, and my happy place! 

Sunday Fun Day

I love Sundays! I look forward to Sunday and the spirit that it brings. I love spending time with my family, I love going to church, and I love being happy on Sunday! It is the best! Over the past year and a half Walker and I have had the opportunity to teach the 11 and 12 year old primary class. What a blessing it has been for us. Some

 weeks have been very challenging for us but we loved it always. Today was our last day teaching them and although we are sad to leave them we are stoked to begin a new journey. 

  When we first got called to be teachers we were scared because we knew we had a big role to fill. We knew that these kids would look up to us and learn from us. 

The first class we had we only had about a month until the year ended and they moved on. We were sad to see them go because they were so good! They loved to learn about the gospel and we loved to teach it! 

The new year came and we had a new class.. all little 11 year olds who were so immature and we wanted to be done being teachers because we liked our old class better. All it took was a little prayer to ask our Heavenly Father for strength and the knowledge to know what we needed to do to be better teachers so that the kids we were teaching could also be better. After that prayer at the beginning of the year we loved to prepare the lessons and we loved to go teach them. We had an instance connection! We grew so close to them throughout the year that we were always sad when one would turn 12 and they moved on to young men and young woman! We wanted them to stay little and come to sharing time with us! We  loved them so much and still do! We love when we see them in the neighbor hood and at the store and they get a big smile on their face and say hello! We feel like we made a difference in their lives by going to church prepared to teach them and be a friend to them! They will truly always have a place in our hearts! When Manti passed away they all made us feel like everything was going to be ok. The Sunday we went back to church they were the best kids ever! I will never forget that Sunday and the spirit I felt in that classroom! They are awesome kids!! 

This years class is a little bit harder for us as we were use to kids that came to class prepared to listen and learn. We have been having a hard time with this class as they come we feel like that don't want to learn and just want to mess around the whole time. We often feel like we waste the whole hour trying to get them under control to them the last 5 minutes of the lesson. I figure if we get even 5 minutes of the lesson in we are making a difference. We are sad to be released but happy we had the opportunity to teach and learn from all the awesome 11 and 12 years! My testimony has strength so much and I am so grateful that I have had the chance to be called to such a fun calling.

We love to snapchat and take selfies at church! 

One Sunday I turned to my left tell the kids to be quiet and I saw this on a girls chair! How could you be mad at this! :)

Old, New, Borrowed, and Blue

My sister Sara is getting married! I am so happy for her! We had a bridal shower for her tonight and it was so fun to see everyone. We had fun visiting and spending time with the bride to be! When I was planning this shower I often thought back to about a year ago when Sara and I would have many conversations about her wedding and how she would want me to do all these things for her and I would always joke and tell her ''oh gee I would love to but I can't because I'll have a baby to take care of!'' Now her wedding is here and I have no baby to take care of and it makes me think about how busy I would be if Manti were here. I have been so busy this past week planning for this and I have caught myself many times wondering what it would be like with a little 11 month old following me around planning. My heart aches writing this tonight as I sit here with a lump in my throat missing my baby.. But I am so grateful that I was able to keep busy this week and end it with being happy! I love my sister and can't wait for her wedding! Love you Sara!!

A Little About Me

  Oh my goodness.. I am excited to start this blog but also a little nervous.. But mostly excited. I am not the type of girl to pour out my feelings to others but I feel like this is going to be a good change. This past year has been a change for me, some good.. some bad. In my mind I feel like it is mostly bad changes but when I think about it there are so many good things that have come my way. In this blog I will post about my family, my little love Manti, my trails, my heartache, my happiness, random thoughts, and everything else in between. My mind is always full of thoughts that I can't wait to post them all!

  I have an AWESOME, sweet, caring friend who has helped me build up the courage to start this blog. She is awesome! Thanks Emily for helping me.. you rock! Love ya girlfriend!
  Emily had asked me about doing a blog awhile ago, way back in October when I started my photo challenge for Pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I was stoked when she had asked me about doing a blog because I love to write in my journal about my experiences but my hand always gets too lazy and tired to keep writing and so I think that typing will be a lot easier and faster and my lazy hands won't be as tired. But we have been busy with our own lives that we have never had the chance to get together until now! 

  So here I am.. My first blog and I want to tell you a little bit about my life. I am a wife to an amazing husband who has been by my side since the first day we met! We only dated for a short FIVE WEEKS until he couldn't wait any longer ask me to be his eternal companion. I of course couldn't wait either to say YES! People thought we were absolutely crazy for doing that but when its right, its right.. and you will know! We have literally been together everyday since the day we met back in March 2011. We are in love and as happy as EVER! He is my best friend. Every day I tell him that he is the best in all the universe and then he goes on to tell me that I am the best in all the universe and then I quickly respond and say "together we are the best in all the universe!" I truly believe that together we are the best! We never have a dull moment when i comes to us just hanging out.. Just the two of us!

  I am a daughter to the coolest parents in West Chubbuck! I love my parents so much. They are awesome and an awesome influence on how to love and how to show service. They are very special to me. My mom is really my best friend and my dad is my go to pal. I just simply love them! So much.

 I am a sister! OH my heck! I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a sister! It rocks! I love my older brother and older sister! You really couldn't find a closer sibling-ship then what I have with my favorite brother and favorite sister! They are my rock! 

 I am a mother! WHAT BETTER GIFT CAN YOU HAVE? Seriously I love it! It is wonderful. It is THE best feeling in the world.. and to think I have a son that is already a celestial being.. holy smokes! Talk about one lucky mom! I miss Manti so much but knowing that he is waiting for Walker and I has really got to be one of the best feelings in the world! I have so much to do, to be my best in everything I do so I can be with that special kid again! I can't wait to be reunited with him again some day. I can't wait to hug him, kiss him, snuggle him, and just be with him! I am just waiting for that day.. very patiently!