The Story

I can't believe it has been a year since I was 40 weeks pregnant. It blows my mind what a body can do! Ever since my siblings and I were babies on the night before our birthday my parents would tuck us in and tell us about the day we were born. We always looked forward to it and were so excited to hear our story. When I found out I was pregnant I was stoked to be able to tell my kids their story. Even though Manti isn't here to listen to his story I know he his here in spirit.

I remember waking up that morning thinking Manti was going to fall right out because he was so active inside! It was non-stop moving for him he was on the go! It was a long day (what day isn't long when you are 40 weeks pregnant) I made the best of it with a smile on my face. Walker was home with me and we were just hanging out waiting it out and excited for the time we could finally meet our boy! The day went on and Manti was doing his usual thing and I was doing mine, we worked good together! I remember at around 1 o'clock in the afternoon he was so active, he had never been that way. It was a feeling I will never forget. At around 3 he stopped and I figured he was taking his usual afternoon snooze. Which meant it was mine too! At around 5 o'clock I noticed that I hadn't felt him moved for some time... I told Walker that I hadn't felt Manti and he went into doctor mode... He told me to lay down, stand up,  move around, drink cold water.... nothing seemed to work, and that is when he said... We are going to the hospital, lets go... NOW! I didn't want to go... I wasn't ready! I had just got out of the shower and my hair wasn't done. He then asked me what was more important my hair or the baby... I went with wet hair! 

It was 6 o'clock by the time we were off to the hospital. I called my mom and told her and right away she met us there. We went up the the second floor... Labor and delivery. I then explained to the nurse that I hadn't felt my baby move in awhile and she took me back to a room to check things out. When she went to find the heart beat.. There was nothing. She then told me she was going to hook me up to do a NST (non-stress test)  and still nothing. She looked at me with sad eyes and said "I am sorry but this doesn't look good. Let me go get a doctor." She came back with the doctor and he had the ultrasound machine and started looking around.. He then said "Rachel I'm sorry but, there is no heart beat. You baby has passed away." I couldn't believe it. It must be a joke. My heart stopped. My mind went blank. I was in complete shock. So much shock that I didn't even cry. I didn't know what to do. I sat there with a blank stare. Watching my mom hug Walker... both of them crying. In that moment I felt as if I knew nothing. Angry, sad, and confused is all my body felt.

They then admitted me and they took us into another room where there I would wait to give birth to my son. So many thoughts ran through my head. Was this my fault? What just happened? I am too young for this! Is this real life? So many things... There were nurses and doctors in and out of my room asking question and wanting answers and there I was blank in the head not knowing what to say. Family started to come to be with us, my phone started ringing because people wanted to help in anyway they could, and I was lost. I had no idea where to start.

The night was long I wanted it to end. My aunty Carla came from Utah right when she found out the news.. She was an answer to my prayers that night because she rubbed my feet to relax me! She rubbed then until I fell asleep! Walker was right by my side the whole time. My dad and mom there waiting on me hand and foot (I wasn't the needy I promise!) Walker, my mom, and my dad all took shifts staying up so I was never awake alone. My aunty Audra was there to give me words of comfort and multiple hugs. And Walkers whole family was in the waiting room waiting and wanting to help in anyway. 

I don't remember much of that night because if the pain medicine they were giving me and the traumatic situation that just happened but, I do remember when I decided to get the epidural the anesthesiologist was doing his magic and I noticed he smelt SOOOO good. He smelt just like bacon! It was the best smell I had smelt all night! It gave us all a good laugh and we needed to smile for just a little minute! After that I was pain free for a long time. I was in and out of sleep all night long. I had the shakes so bad I thought something was wrong with me! It was driving me absolutely crazy. I just wanted this to be all over with. I didn't want it to be real! But it was and it was go time.

As I lay in bed tonight many thoughts are running through my head. In some ways I feel like I did a year ago... lost, sad, and confused. I sit here thinking about all the blessings that have came out of the trial and I think to myself "dang I am blessed." So tonight as I go to sleep I will be feeling lost, sad, and confused but I will be at peace knowing that I have an eternal family. I have a calm feeling knowing that as long as I keep doing the right things I will be with my sweet boy again... one day!