Happy Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THIS PRECIOUS BOY!!!

On April 16, 2013 at 8:18 AM Manti Cody Harris was born. What a happy day it was for our family! We we so excited to finally see what he looked like! It was the best day... EVER! I was finally a mother to a perfect little boy! It was a terribly sad day but it was a happy day too! Walker and I were finally parents! 

Right before Manti arrived my doctor asked me if I wanted her to put Manti on my chest or take him and clean him up first I immediately told her to put him on my chest. I remember when she put him there I had a little panic attack because at that moment in time I realized Manti wasn't alive. There I was holding my son that wasn't moving, breathing, or crying. He was cold and pale, everything about him was limp. I didn't know how to take it. I told her I was done and to take him and do what they needed because I needed time to realize what just happened. After I took a moment to take it all in I was ready to get in all the snuggles I could! 

That day was long. VERY LONG! We had doctors and nurse in and out asking questions I didn't want to answer. All I wanted was to have time with Walker and Manti. We dressed him, talked to him, and loved him. We took this sucky situation and made it the best we could. We loved every minute we had with him.

Today April 16, 2014 we celebrated Manti's birthday with the ones we love! We couldn't be more blessed to have the family we have! They are so grate to us. We made it the best we could. Walker and I went to the temple... because lets be honest where else can you feel that close to heaven.. No where I know! We loved the spirit we felt there and we were all smiles the whole time! We love the temple!

We went to the cemetery and sent a ballon up to heaven so Manti could read messages from all of us!

and back to our house for a little birthday dinner and cake! We sang happy birthday to him like he was there... I would have to say it was a successful birthday.

I thought waking up this morning was going to be impossible. I thought to myself... how could I possibly get through this day? With faith and prayer it happened. I woke up an felt so calm. The peace and spirit in our home was so strong. We had a very good day... a few tears were shed (but it wouldn't be normal if there wasn't, right?)  

As I lay here tonight in bed I am thinking about last year at this time... I was in the same spot laying next to Walker thinking about what just happened. I was in pain mentally, physically, and emotionally. I had no baby to hold, no one to feed, no ones diaper to change, no waking up in the middle of the night to see if my baby was ok (well I did wake up to check on Walker... but that's different.) I had nothing to look forward to. I was running on empty. Now I lay here filling that same kind of empty... no baby to snuggle, no one to tuck in, and no one to get up to check on. My heart beats hard and fast as I lay here and do what I do every night. I nicely lay all Manti's blankets  that we wrapped him up in all around me so I can feel his warmth and I stare at the picture on the wall by our bed of him and I close my eyes and pray for another day of guidance and strength. I love being able to feel so close to my sweet boy and I am thankful for the love I have for Manti and for the love that he has for me!

The Story

I can't believe it has been a year since I was 40 weeks pregnant. It blows my mind what a body can do! Ever since my siblings and I were babies on the night before our birthday my parents would tuck us in and tell us about the day we were born. We always looked forward to it and were so excited to hear our story. When I found out I was pregnant I was stoked to be able to tell my kids their story. Even though Manti isn't here to listen to his story I know he his here in spirit.

I remember waking up that morning thinking Manti was going to fall right out because he was so active inside! It was non-stop moving for him he was on the go! It was a long day (what day isn't long when you are 40 weeks pregnant) I made the best of it with a smile on my face. Walker was home with me and we were just hanging out waiting it out and excited for the time we could finally meet our boy! The day went on and Manti was doing his usual thing and I was doing mine, we worked good together! I remember at around 1 o'clock in the afternoon he was so active, he had never been that way. It was a feeling I will never forget. At around 3 he stopped and I figured he was taking his usual afternoon snooze. Which meant it was mine too! At around 5 o'clock I noticed that I hadn't felt him moved for some time... I told Walker that I hadn't felt Manti and he went into doctor mode... He told me to lay down, stand up,  move around, drink cold water.... nothing seemed to work, and that is when he said... We are going to the hospital, lets go... NOW! I didn't want to go... I wasn't ready! I had just got out of the shower and my hair wasn't done. He then asked me what was more important my hair or the baby... I went with wet hair! 

It was 6 o'clock by the time we were off to the hospital. I called my mom and told her and right away she met us there. We went up the the second floor... Labor and delivery. I then explained to the nurse that I hadn't felt my baby move in awhile and she took me back to a room to check things out. When she went to find the heart beat.. There was nothing. She then told me she was going to hook me up to do a NST (non-stress test)  and still nothing. She looked at me with sad eyes and said "I am sorry but this doesn't look good. Let me go get a doctor." She came back with the doctor and he had the ultrasound machine and started looking around.. He then said "Rachel I'm sorry but, there is no heart beat. You baby has passed away." I couldn't believe it. It must be a joke. My heart stopped. My mind went blank. I was in complete shock. So much shock that I didn't even cry. I didn't know what to do. I sat there with a blank stare. Watching my mom hug Walker... both of them crying. In that moment I felt as if I knew nothing. Angry, sad, and confused is all my body felt.

They then admitted me and they took us into another room where there I would wait to give birth to my son. So many thoughts ran through my head. Was this my fault? What just happened? I am too young for this! Is this real life? So many things... There were nurses and doctors in and out of my room asking question and wanting answers and there I was blank in the head not knowing what to say. Family started to come to be with us, my phone started ringing because people wanted to help in anyway they could, and I was lost. I had no idea where to start.

The night was long I wanted it to end. My aunty Carla came from Utah right when she found out the news.. She was an answer to my prayers that night because she rubbed my feet to relax me! She rubbed then until I fell asleep! Walker was right by my side the whole time. My dad and mom there waiting on me hand and foot (I wasn't the needy I promise!) Walker, my mom, and my dad all took shifts staying up so I was never awake alone. My aunty Audra was there to give me words of comfort and multiple hugs. And Walkers whole family was in the waiting room waiting and wanting to help in anyway. 

I don't remember much of that night because if the pain medicine they were giving me and the traumatic situation that just happened but, I do remember when I decided to get the epidural the anesthesiologist was doing his magic and I noticed he smelt SOOOO good. He smelt just like bacon! It was the best smell I had smelt all night! It gave us all a good laugh and we needed to smile for just a little minute! After that I was pain free for a long time. I was in and out of sleep all night long. I had the shakes so bad I thought something was wrong with me! It was driving me absolutely crazy. I just wanted this to be all over with. I didn't want it to be real! But it was and it was go time.

As I lay in bed tonight many thoughts are running through my head. In some ways I feel like I did a year ago... lost, sad, and confused. I sit here thinking about all the blessings that have came out of the trial and I think to myself "dang I am blessed." So tonight as I go to sleep I will be feeling lost, sad, and confused but I will be at peace knowing that I have an eternal family. I have a calm feeling knowing that as long as I keep doing the right things I will be with my sweet boy again... one day!

Birthday Week

Its this special boys birthday week! My heck! It has been a looooonnng year for Walker and I... Many days full of tears, some full of laughter, and everyday full of love. We have came a long way with this trail and have expected it. We couldn't be happier to have a little special spirit with us at all times! We miss Manti EVERYDAY(totally a given) but, we know that he is with us always! This month has been hard for Walker and I. Many days and nights we catch each other crying or feeling sad and we are right there for each other to be that support that we need. Walker always knows how to comfort me in my times of heartache. 

I often think I can not go another day because I miss Manti so much. I think to myself... why me? Why do I have to be a mother that had to barrie a child? Why couldn't it have been another person? I am doing everything that I am suppose to be doing and this had to happen to me? Many questions race through my mind and minutes later I get an overwhelming feeling almost like a rush to flush out all the bad thoughts and I hear a faint voice say to me... "because you are strong and you can do this. Keep pushing to do your best and to be the best you can. You got this, I love you mom." This month that little phrase has kept me going. I can do this, I got this, because I am strong.

This trial hasn't been easy but it sure has taught me so much. I am grateful for a family that loves me and is patient with me. I am happy to know that I can always count on them for comfort. I am blessed to have a husband that shows his love in every way that he can! He knows when I am hurting and does everything he can to make it ok... even if it is just for a little while. I am so beyond rewarded to be a mother of a special child. A child that has taught me so much even though he isn't on this earth. A child that will forever be mine.

Someone Special

Meet the most special person in my life! WALKIE!!!

Walker has the most kind caring heart! He is perfect for me! I love him so much. He is such a hard worker and knows how to make he happy! He is the best. 

When Walker and I first met it didn't take long for us to know that it was meant to be! It was a short FIVE WEEKS before he popped the question and I could hardly wait to say YES! I wasn't very excited when I had to go on a blind date with me. I can tell you that I went on that day mad and annoyed! I was not happy for that night and was dreading the whole thing. It was horrible! But ever since that night we have been hooked at the hip... and love every second of it! We are so happy! We love our life together :)

Let me tell you about one caring loving father!

 The day we found out we were having a baby Walker couldn't wait to tell the whole world! He was ready to shout it out on national TV if he could! He was so excited that I was pretty sure he was going to burst! It was an exciting time in our family and I knew that he was going to be the best dad a little child could have! He was so protective of anything I did. He wanted me to have the best pregnancy a woman could ask for... If I wanted something he was right there to go get it for me. I never had to wait! 

We had decided that we would start telling people that a baby was on the way when I started to show... many slow weeks went by and I still wasn't showing so we decided that we would share the news when we found out if it was a boy or a girl. Finally at our 20 week appointment it was time! We wouldn't wait to find out what we were having! Walker could not wait to know if he was going to have a daddy's girl or sports loving little boy, and I couldn't wait to start shopping! When we found out it was a boy we were trilled! We couldn't stop smiling and we were ready to tell the whole world!! It was a fantastic day! Walker was ready to show his little boy everything he needed to know about being a man! He was stoked!

He was ready at any moment to take me to the hospital to meet his boy! The weekend before I had Manti I was having contraction 5 minutes apart all day long! That night we went to bed and they got stronger so we said if I was still having them in the morning we would go... morning came and we were watching General Conference and I was having contractions 3 minutes apart! It was time to go! All the way to the hospital we were saying this is it! We are going to be parents! We were beyond ready to meet Manti!

There I was sitting in the bed ready to have him... and all the sudden contractions stopped and I was back to just feeling Manti tumbling around in there! He totally tricked us and was not ready to come! After being checked out by a doctor and him telling us that I was fine and baby was fine it was back home to wait... We patiently waited for another week. It was a very long week for us! But Walker was right there with me and never left my side!

I will never forget how happy Walker was from the time he knew he was going a 

husband 

and the time he was going to be a dad!

I LOVE YOU WALKIE!!!!!!!

Birthday Month

It is April! Which means a few things are happening in our family!

It is Sara and Christians wedding!

We are moving to Texas!

 It is Manti's birthday! (THE MOST IMPORTANT!!)

YAY!!!! We take birthday month very serious in our family! At the beginning of the month until the end.. everyday is your day when its your birthday month! Since Manti isn't here with us we have decided that for his birthday month we will do service for anyone and everyone! What better way to spend a birthday month. We know Manti is doing his service up in heaven and as we do service here we will be able to see a little bit of him through us. 

We are supposed to be moving on the 13th of April but we have decided to hold back for a week and leave the 21st. We thought it would be way to hard to move away from all of our family the week of  Manti's birthday. We wanted to feel as close to Manti as possible on his special day... and what better way of doing that then to be with family! We love spending time with our family. They have been such a great support to us over the past year. We are grateful to be a part of a family that is so supportive and willing to help us out whenever we need it.

I have been dreading this month ever since last April... I wanted to just skip this month, knowing that it was going to be the hardest month. I have been thinking that when I hit the year mark that I will just crumble and fall apart. I know when his birthday comes I will be flooded with all the memories and I will just be back a square one. No baby to snuggle. No baby to hear crying. No worrying about what Manti is doing. I never let my mind push back the memories of that eventful day. I think that it is healthily for me to let it all out and for me to ponder about it. It has helped me realize that I am stronger then I think I am. I have people tell me everyday that I am looking good and strong, which makes me realize that I am doing ok and I am stronger then I really give myself credit for. I always want to be able to know that I will be ok through this experience and that I can handle the situations that are handed to me. I never asked or wanted anything like this to happen to me, but it has been worth it. I want to be able to show others that it is ok to be sad but happy all at the same time.