My Mother's Day Thoughts

I can't believe this is my second Mother's Day without Manti here! Time flies by whether you're having fun or being sad... I tossed and turned all night long because I didn't want it to be Mother's Day. Today was one of the hardest days yet in my long journey! I woke up and could barley think. I couldn't seem to get out of bed. I felt like I could throw up all over the place. My body felt so heavy. I was honestly lost in thought. I felt like I couldn't go another day with out my baby! It was hard waking up today not being able to get excited to spend the day with the one that made me a mother. I was heartbroken! When I got onto Facebook and Instagram I was yet again crushed to see everyone and their kids posting about their Mother's Day mornings and what they were going to do with them throughout the day. In my mind I was jealous that they got to spend the day with them. All I could do was grab Manti's baby book off the self at look at that and then take my computer and check out the 958 pictures that we have of that handsome boy! My eyes filled with tears and my heart sunk a little bit more.

By the time it was time to go to church at 9 AM I had little to no motivation to go and listen to the talks about being a mother and spending time with their kids or seeing all the mother's hold their babies... I just wasn't looking forward to it. I wasn't looking forward to being reminder that I don't have a child to snuggle on Mother's Day. There I sat in the meeting catching myself shaking because I was trying to hold back the tears. You can only hold the tears back for so long before it all comes out and you feel like the whole congregation is staring at you! Wondering why the new girl in the ward is crying! But it is what it is and when you have to cry... YOU CRY! Let it all out!

For the closing song we sang

I NEEDED THIS SONG TODAY! It hit me when we were singing that I was being bitter and I needed to change my attitude that instant! So of course I cried some more and harder because I was feeling guilty that I I wasn't turning to my Heavenly Father for the peace that I needed! I needed to realize that he is my peace in times when I am aching.

It is tough being a mother and not being able to raise your child. I think about the what ifs... all the time! I would give anything to be able to have Manti here with me and be able to have the chance to raise him. It is tough being a mother to a child that isn't here with you! I know the things that I need to do so I can be able to be with him again someday. It is hard at times to think am I doing all the right things so I can be with Manti again? What can I be doing different?! Then I think... I am doing the best I can and will continue to do so!

Today I got the BEST text message EVER! It was from my sweet sweet momma! My heart melted with love that I felt through that simple picture! I love my mom SO much! She will always be my best friend and Manti will always be her favorite grandchild! Total given!!! 

Tonight as I reflect on how amazing it feels to be a Mother I will go to bed with a sad heart but a happy smile! I will be be the best mother to an a little angel... I will continue to be a happy momma and always remember there is happiness waiting for me in every opportunity that comes my way. I will always feel special because I am a mother!