My 10 Steps In Moving Forward

I’ll tell ya what! It is tough work being a mother to a stillborn.   

It takes a lot out of you and you always have to put a lot into the problem to make it the best situation possible. It takes a lot of steps to be able to make it through and move forward.There are so many emotions that come with it that you can barley handle them at times! You don’t know what to say or how to feel sometimes. Whether to be happy that you have a special angel watching over you or if you should be mad with everything surrounding you or to feel angry because you feel like it shouldn’t have happened to you. Your mind goes crazy with emotions and hormones! These are a few of my steps I have made to better myself throughout the unthinkable thing that has happened to me, and the journey that is now part of my life.

First you have to have COURAGE. You have to have the ability and willingness to comfort any fear or pain that comes in your path. One of the fears I face A LOT is getting pregnant again and going through this all over again. But I keep telling myself you did it once you can do it again. Knowing that there will be days where you feel much pain always know that there is going to be a day of happiness and love.

Second you have to STRENGTH. You have to be strong in all that you face.  Keep pushing to do your best even on your weakest days. Some days are hard to keep good strength but I have found that if you just keep on pushing you will realize that you have more strength then you ever imaged you had.

Third you have to have FAITH. You have to have confidence and trust in the Lord that he will guide you. Everyday is different you never know how you are going to feel. From experience if you keep close to the Lord he will help you along the way.

Fourth you have to have HOPE. You need to have the desire to be positive with the outcome of your trial. Sometime it is hard to have the hope that you need to. If you continue to have hope blessing will be sure to come your way.

Fifth you have to have LOVE. You have to know that many people love you and you also have to be willing to them love back.  There are so many people that have loved me and I have loved them back and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I could burst with joy when I think of all the people that have loved me. I love to feel the love that people have shown me over the past little while. It has been the best kind of love… like ever!

Sixth you have to have CONFIDENCE. You have to be able to let your self-confidence shine. When the word got out that Manti passed away I was worried what people might say, I didn’t know what they thought about me. I felt like I was in the spotlight and I was the talk of the town. Everywhere I went I could feel people staring at me and knowing that they were talking about how I was the girl that just lost a child. They wanted to say something to me but just didn’t know what to say. They were just as scared as I was to talk about it. I had to let my confidence over take the power of me being scared and let it all out! I love talking about my experience and how it has made me a better person with greater strength and confidence and an awesome outlook on life.

Seventh you have to have TRUST. Trust in yourself that you can get through your trial. Know that you will be OK. Trust in the Lord. Let him guide you! I have had many days where I have put my trust in the Lord and said many prayers to help me get through the day.

Eighth you have to learn to be HAPPY. Being happy has been a rough one for me. I am learning what it means to find a new kind of happy. It is hard to smile and be happy when inside I am breaking and sad. But every day I continue to find my new kind of happy and showing people that it is OK to be happy even when you are hurting and sad 98.3% of the time.

Ninth you have to have KNOWLEDGE. You have know that even through hard times there are so many people that are willing and wanting to help you! There has been many people that have helped me and loved me and I feel so blessed to have the in my life.  I am also so grateful to know that there is life after death and I can be able to with me sweet boy again someday!

Tenth you have to have the right ATTITUDE. I really believe that having a good attitude helps you get through such a rough trial. When Manti passed away and my whole family was together my little cousin Noah went up to my grandma who had tears in her eyes and said, “Grandma you can be happy or sad--- It is your choice” Wise words from a 3 year old! We have that choice and we can either be happy or sad… On days when my attitude isn’t the best I think about what Noah taught my grandma that day, I think I have the choice to either be happy or sad it is all about your attitude and how you accept it.

Everyday as I wake up I am ready to take on another day full of ups and downs. One of my favorite songs in the LDS Hymn book is Count Your Many Blessings and the fourth verse says:

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.

Count your many blessings; angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

Count your blessings;

Name them one by one.

Count your blessings;

See what God hath done.

Count your blessings;

Name them one by one.

Count your many blessings;

See what God hath done

I LOVE LOVE LOVE that verse! It brings comfort to me knowing that God is always with us during great or small trials. We always need to remember to count our many blessings and be thankful that we have so many great blessings in our lives! I have so many blessings to count and will continue to count them as my journey continues.

My Mother's Day Thoughts

I can't believe this is my second Mother's Day without Manti here! Time flies by whether you're having fun or being sad... I tossed and turned all night long because I didn't want it to be Mother's Day. Today was one of the hardest days yet in my long journey! I woke up and could barley think. I couldn't seem to get out of bed. I felt like I could throw up all over the place. My body felt so heavy. I was honestly lost in thought. I felt like I couldn't go another day with out my baby! It was hard waking up today not being able to get excited to spend the day with the one that made me a mother. I was heartbroken! When I got onto Facebook and Instagram I was yet again crushed to see everyone and their kids posting about their Mother's Day mornings and what they were going to do with them throughout the day. In my mind I was jealous that they got to spend the day with them. All I could do was grab Manti's baby book off the self at look at that and then take my computer and check out the 958 pictures that we have of that handsome boy! My eyes filled with tears and my heart sunk a little bit more.

By the time it was time to go to church at 9 AM I had little to no motivation to go and listen to the talks about being a mother and spending time with their kids or seeing all the mother's hold their babies... I just wasn't looking forward to it. I wasn't looking forward to being reminder that I don't have a child to snuggle on Mother's Day. There I sat in the meeting catching myself shaking because I was trying to hold back the tears. You can only hold the tears back for so long before it all comes out and you feel like the whole congregation is staring at you! Wondering why the new girl in the ward is crying! But it is what it is and when you have to cry... YOU CRY! Let it all out!

For the closing song we sang

I NEEDED THIS SONG TODAY! It hit me when we were singing that I was being bitter and I needed to change my attitude that instant! So of course I cried some more and harder because I was feeling guilty that I I wasn't turning to my Heavenly Father for the peace that I needed! I needed to realize that he is my peace in times when I am aching.

It is tough being a mother and not being able to raise your child. I think about the what ifs... all the time! I would give anything to be able to have Manti here with me and be able to have the chance to raise him. It is tough being a mother to a child that isn't here with you! I know the things that I need to do so I can be able to be with him again someday. It is hard at times to think am I doing all the right things so I can be with Manti again? What can I be doing different?! Then I think... I am doing the best I can and will continue to do so!

Today I got the BEST text message EVER! It was from my sweet sweet momma! My heart melted with love that I felt through that simple picture! I love my mom SO much! She will always be my best friend and Manti will always be her favorite grandchild! Total given!!! 

Tonight as I reflect on how amazing it feels to be a Mother I will go to bed with a sad heart but a happy smile! I will be be the best mother to an a little angel... I will continue to be a happy momma and always remember there is happiness waiting for me in every opportunity that comes my way. I will always feel special because I am a mother!

Home Sweet Home

We are home!

Texas is growing on us! We have been here for one week and we are liking it so far... It is for sure way different than our little hometown in Idaho! We miss Idaho but are so happy to be here in BIG Houston, Texas! When people say 'everything is bigger in Texas' they aren't joking! Everything is bigger here! We are stoked to be living here and can't wait for all the fun and exciting things to come!

We are excited to be able to go to LOTS of MLB games! Since it is so close, it is a must! We went to an Astros game with some of our new friends that moved here also to sale for Protection 1!

Things are different here, I am trying to get use to once again finding a new kind of happy and normal. Some days are so long I feel like it might not ever end! There are days where I don't get ready... at all, I eat ice cream for lunch

 (...and take pictures of it!)
, and I sit on the couch and people watch out the window! Lately I have been feeling so empty. Back home I had things to do and people to see! I was busy and enjoying my new normal without my baby! Now I sit here and think about what it would be like with Manti here, what would we be doing in this hot humid city! I go sit pool side and think about how worried I would be if Manti got too close to the side of the pool! How paranoid I would be about everything! My mind spins with wonders as I go through out my days.
We left the day after Easter... Easter this year was some what bittersweet for me. One year ago on April 20, 2013 was the last time I got to hold my little sweet boy! I thought about it all day. The way I wanted to never let him go and keep him in my arms wrapped up in a blanket trying to keep his little cold body warm. To talk to him and tell him everything I wanted him to know. I thought about when Walker and I dressed him in his blessings clothes all in white and wrapped him all snug in a white blanket and about how pure his little body and spirit was. The feeling I got when I look at such a sweet little lifeless body was priceless. I remember thinking that day 'Wow! I have a pretty darn good kid! Seriously, why does he have to be so perfect.' I didn't want him to be perfect! I wanted him here with me! I wanted to be able to show him that when he made a mistake he could be forgiven! I wanted to be able to give him a little nudge and say wake up! I never thought when I dressed my baby in his blessing clothes looking handsome as ever all in white, I would have to put him in a little white casket and close the lid. It was and will ever be the worst and hardest feeling... EVER. I remember when we were getting ready to close the casket Walkers grandpa Harris came up to us and said 'It's time' I didn't want it to be time! I wanted time to never go on! I didn't want it to be the last time I looked at Manti! It was yet another heartbreaking moment!
When we were packing Easter night I looked up at our wall and looked at this!

Seriously it was what I needed at the end of a lovely but long day! A little reminder that because of our Savior Jesus Christ Walker and I will be able to be with Manti again... Until then Manti is in the loving arms of our Savior in heaven doing the work that needs to be done there while we finish our mission here on earth! And FAMILIES ARE FOREVER AND EVER! At that moment I'm pretty sure I could have bursted into happy tears! I felt my Saviors love in all the world around! 

So when my days become long I think about this wall and know that even though I am finding a new kind of happy and normal at our new home I will always be close to Manti no matter what! 

Today as I was reading in the scriptures in the Book of Mormon and I came across this scripture in Mosiah 24:13-16 it says...

13 And it ^acame to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

 14 And I will also ease the ^aburdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as ^bwitnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their ^cafflictions.

 15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did^astrengthen them that they could bear up their ^bburdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with ^cpatience to all the will of the Lord.

 16 And it came to pass that so great was their faith and their patience that the voice of the Lord came unto them again, saying: Be of good comfort, for on the morrow I will deliver you out of bondage.

It brings me so much comfort to know that even though this trial sure is a sucky one I will never be alone through it! As long as I continue to lift my head up and be of good comfort and be patience and have faith I will always have the Lord to lean on and continue to guide me throughout this wonderful journey.