Day 7-Sacred Place

Walker and I love going to the temple, we have had some special experiences there that we will remember forever. The temple is one of my #SacredPlace to go and feel close to Manti. I love the feeling I get when we go it makes me feel at peace. #CaptureYourGrief

Day 6-Books

One thing I am excited about for the new baby is to read with them. Morning stories, afternoon stories, and bedtime snuggles complete with a story! I can't wait! Manti and his sweet grandma Tonda bought a #Book about owls for the baby right after we found out. I know Manti is telling his new little sibling many stories and preparing them for this life. I can't wait until it is my turn to snuggle up close with the baby and read Hoot and think of Manti the whole time. #CaptureYourGrief

Day 5-Journal

Having this blog has become my main #Journal to write about my feelings. I love that I can sit down and just write. Blogging has helped me sort out my feelings and become a stronger person. I feel calm when I write and feel at peace. #CaptureYourGrief

Day 4-Now

#Now I know some days will still be hard but I’ve realized that life does go on and you can be happy. I have my happy days, my sad days, and my mixed of emotions days too. Not too long ago we found out that our little family of three was growing! We will soon be a family of four and we couldn’t be more thrilled. We have wanted this for a while now and we are more than happy to take this pregnancy on with fear, smiles, anxiety, love, and most important HAPPINESS! #CaptureYourGrief

Day 3-Before

When I was young I learned that loving yourself was important. You had to love yourself so that you could love others. As I grew older and watched my parents love each other I wanted the same kind of love they had. I finally found love with Walker and I have been the happiest I have ever been. #Before I married Walker I didn’t know that you could love a person so much! It is an amazing kind of love. Then when Manti was born my love for a person grew even stronger. I now have a complete understanding of what love means. #CaptureYourGrief

Day 2-Heart

During my pregnancy I developed paroxysmal sinus tachycardia and had to go get Non-Stress Tests done twice a week just to make sure that Manti was ok and it wasn't affecting him. At the beginning I felt annoyed and didn’t want to go because my momma instincts knew that he was just fine! But as time went on I became excited to go and spend the next 20 minutes with Walker just relaxing and listen to our little pride and joys #Heart beat. It was strong, fast, and prefect. We loved listening to his rhythm and looking at each other and just smiling ear to ear. #CaptureYourGrief

Day 1-Sunrise

It is always refreshing to start your day with a pretty #Sunrise. It reminds me that it is a new day with a fresh start. Being in the situation that I am in it has been tough but there is always a new beginning to everyday. I am grateful that I can wake up refreshed with a sunrise that will help me get through the day. #CaptureYourGrief

Capture Your Grief

Capture Your Grief is back! The month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and I am happy to be apart of it. Last year was my first year doing it and I absolutely loved it! With many tears and many smiles it helped me reflect on what was actually happening in my life and it helped me realize how blessed I am. I am happy to participate this year and share with you what has been going on in my life. I hope that you will follow me in my special journey!

My 10 Steps In Moving Forward

I’ll tell ya what! It is tough work being a mother to a stillborn.   

It takes a lot out of you and you always have to put a lot into the problem to make it the best situation possible. It takes a lot of steps to be able to make it through and move forward.There are so many emotions that come with it that you can barley handle them at times! You don’t know what to say or how to feel sometimes. Whether to be happy that you have a special angel watching over you or if you should be mad with everything surrounding you or to feel angry because you feel like it shouldn’t have happened to you. Your mind goes crazy with emotions and hormones! These are a few of my steps I have made to better myself throughout the unthinkable thing that has happened to me, and the journey that is now part of my life.

First you have to have COURAGE. You have to have the ability and willingness to comfort any fear or pain that comes in your path. One of the fears I face A LOT is getting pregnant again and going through this all over again. But I keep telling myself you did it once you can do it again. Knowing that there will be days where you feel much pain always know that there is going to be a day of happiness and love.

Second you have to STRENGTH. You have to be strong in all that you face.  Keep pushing to do your best even on your weakest days. Some days are hard to keep good strength but I have found that if you just keep on pushing you will realize that you have more strength then you ever imaged you had.

Third you have to have FAITH. You have to have confidence and trust in the Lord that he will guide you. Everyday is different you never know how you are going to feel. From experience if you keep close to the Lord he will help you along the way.

Fourth you have to have HOPE. You need to have the desire to be positive with the outcome of your trial. Sometime it is hard to have the hope that you need to. If you continue to have hope blessing will be sure to come your way.

Fifth you have to have LOVE. You have to know that many people love you and you also have to be willing to them love back.  There are so many people that have loved me and I have loved them back and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I could burst with joy when I think of all the people that have loved me. I love to feel the love that people have shown me over the past little while. It has been the best kind of love… like ever!

Sixth you have to have CONFIDENCE. You have to be able to let your self-confidence shine. When the word got out that Manti passed away I was worried what people might say, I didn’t know what they thought about me. I felt like I was in the spotlight and I was the talk of the town. Everywhere I went I could feel people staring at me and knowing that they were talking about how I was the girl that just lost a child. They wanted to say something to me but just didn’t know what to say. They were just as scared as I was to talk about it. I had to let my confidence over take the power of me being scared and let it all out! I love talking about my experience and how it has made me a better person with greater strength and confidence and an awesome outlook on life.

Seventh you have to have TRUST. Trust in yourself that you can get through your trial. Know that you will be OK. Trust in the Lord. Let him guide you! I have had many days where I have put my trust in the Lord and said many prayers to help me get through the day.

Eighth you have to learn to be HAPPY. Being happy has been a rough one for me. I am learning what it means to find a new kind of happy. It is hard to smile and be happy when inside I am breaking and sad. But every day I continue to find my new kind of happy and showing people that it is OK to be happy even when you are hurting and sad 98.3% of the time.

Ninth you have to have KNOWLEDGE. You have know that even through hard times there are so many people that are willing and wanting to help you! There has been many people that have helped me and loved me and I feel so blessed to have the in my life.  I am also so grateful to know that there is life after death and I can be able to with me sweet boy again someday!

Tenth you have to have the right ATTITUDE. I really believe that having a good attitude helps you get through such a rough trial. When Manti passed away and my whole family was together my little cousin Noah went up to my grandma who had tears in her eyes and said, “Grandma you can be happy or sad--- It is your choice” Wise words from a 3 year old! We have that choice and we can either be happy or sad… On days when my attitude isn’t the best I think about what Noah taught my grandma that day, I think I have the choice to either be happy or sad it is all about your attitude and how you accept it.

Everyday as I wake up I am ready to take on another day full of ups and downs. One of my favorite songs in the LDS Hymn book is Count Your Many Blessings and the fourth verse says:

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.

Count your many blessings; angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

Count your blessings;

Name them one by one.

Count your blessings;

See what God hath done.

Count your blessings;

Name them one by one.

Count your many blessings;

See what God hath done

I LOVE LOVE LOVE that verse! It brings comfort to me knowing that God is always with us during great or small trials. We always need to remember to count our many blessings and be thankful that we have so many great blessings in our lives! I have so many blessings to count and will continue to count them as my journey continues.